The Trouble With Boredom or How to Help the Under-Engaged Child
With schools and extra-curriculum activities being completely shut down to prevent the spread of coronavirus, our children are locked at home and have to go through major adjustments. While talking to parents, I learned that most of them quickly gave up on screen time restrictions as they don’t want to hear constant complaints from their children about how bored they are. Yet, boredom is rarely caused by a lack of things to do.
Have you ever wondered why some children can sit and happily play by themselves for hours, while others set aside new activities frequently, complaining of boredom? If you have, you’re not alone—both parents and researchers have been working to understand the roots of chronic boredom for decades. Now, emerging research is shedding light on what chronic boredom is, what it means, and what we can do about it.
Why Should We Be Concerned About Boredom?
Chronic boredom is more than just a nuisance for busy parents. Child psychologists have long noted that a tendency towards experiencing frequent boredom appears to be associated with an increased risk of anxiety and depression. Under-engaged kids are also more likely to seek out stimulation in all of the wrong places; they are prone to binge eating, take more risks than their peers, and sometimes go on to develop substance abuse issues. Additionally, they tend to suffer from attentional issues at school and their lack of engagement sometimes leads them to drop out of school altogether.
Bored kids are not bad kids, however, even if some of the behaviours outlined above can make them appear defiant or lazy. Instead, the problem lies in how we attempt to treat boredom: Most parents try to reduce their child’s screen time, give her (or him) more structure and discipline at home or provide as much stimulation as possible for their child. Alas, as well-intended as all of these strategies are, they are destined to fail because they do not address the root cause of boredom.
What is Chronic Boredom?
All children experience boredom from time to time—often (somewhat ironically) when they are overstimulated, or when they are tired, hungry, or otherwise out of sorts. When boredom becomes a child’s normal “resting state,” however, it’s usually indicative of a lack of engagement with the world around her. This can, of course, become extremely problematic. Children who aren’t connected to their environment and the people in it are more prone to feelings of isolation, poor self-esteem, and other markers of psychological ill-health. Moreover, their development is often stunted. As such, chronic boredom is, in essence, a developmental issue, not a mere phase or quirk of the child’s personality.
In children who are developing normally, a desire to do things independently usually kicks in by the age of three or four. Kids start to ask to dress themselves, make their own beds, and play either alone or with a sibling (rather than relying on mom or dad to entertain them all of the time). They also start to display heightened curiosity and begin developing more detailed opinions of their own. They leave behind the “attachment phase” that typifies toddler-hood and learn how to embrace periods of solitude creatively.
In under-engaged kids, this central desire to separate from one’s parents and explore independence is subdued. These children don’t want to emerge into their environment; instead, when they are alone, they feel empty and bereft of ideas. Because this state is uncomfortable, they are driven to cope with it in sometimes unhealthy ways.
Parents, not recognizing that their easily-bored child needs to develop more independent initiative, often step in to fill the void by offering more stimulation in the form of activities or entertainment. While this can temporarily mask the symptoms of under-engagement, it doesn’t treat the cause of chronic boredom. Moreover, it encourages the child in question to remain highly dependent on external sources of stimulation.
Alternatively, some parents try to ignore their child’s boredom. They assume that if they let their child “sit with” her boredom, she will eventually have to learn to entertain herself. In actuality, however, this inattentive approach simply makes the child more prone to relying on coping mechanisms.
Instead of taking either of the approaches outlined above, parents should thoughtfully question why their child is not more driven to become her own person. Why does she feel such a lack of direction in life, and why isn’t she motivated to explore herself and her reality? Only when we can answer these questions do we gain the tools we need to assist the chronically bored child.
How to Help the Under-Engaged Child
Chronic boredom is not a sign of poor intelligence, nor does it always indicate the presence of a learning disability or mental illness (though these are, of course, distinct possibilities). Under-engaged children usually suffer from an emotional deficit rather than an intellectual one. They have difficulty forming or maintaining close and connected bonds with others, which deprives them of the social motivation they need to emerge into the world.
While it may seem paradoxical, feeling connected to others is utterly necessary for developing healthy independence. Striving, seeking, and achieving behaviours are intrinsically linked to our social bonds: Humans work to accomplish great things in large part because it will better the lives of others. If your child’s desire to explore and develop independently appears muted, she is probably missing the foundation on which this desire grows: A sense of security in her relationships. This is probably not due to anything you have done “wrong,” of course. Different kids simply have different needs, and your under-engaged child needs more loving affirmation than other children.
The good news is that treating the problem of under-engagement is often relatively easy once one knows the cause: By encouraging your child to find and share her emotions with you, you can help her reconnect her feelings to the world around her. If you provide her with your loving attention, rather than just providing her with sources of stimulation, you will see her vitality and enthusiasm start to return. Furthermore, when children get the nourishment they need most—a strong relationship with the adults in their lives—they are less receptive to peer pressure and more able to resist unhealthy temptations. When a child is firmly grounded within an established support network, she’s well-placed to overcome not only boredom but all of life’s myriad challenges.
