Firm But Fair: A Guide To Authoritative Parenting
For decades, parents have argued over which approach to child-rearing works best: Should parents fill the role of strict disciplinarians, or should they allow their children to learn their own lessons freely? Does authoritarian parenting beget rebellion, or is it overly lenient parenting that really encourages children to act out uncontrollably?
If you’re caught in the middle of this debate and unsure how to proceed, you’ll be glad to know there’s a sensible middle-ground. Since the mid-1960s, one parenting model has stood head and shoulders above the rest of the conflicting fads and fixations: Authoritative parenting. A few months ago, we discussed Autonomy Supportive parenting, well, you may be surprised to learn that this parenting technique works best when augmented by Authoritative parenting. A large body of research shows that authoritative parenting works for a wide variety of different families, regardless of their income level, ethnic background, education, or structural dynamics. Moreover, it tends to produce children who are confident, curious, socially well-adjusted, creative, decisive, and motivated.
Authoritative parenting is all about balance. Namely, it hinges on the balance between unconditional love and warmth (responsiveness) and controlled, consistent discipline coupled with reasonable expectations (demandingness). Authoritative parenting acknowledges discipline and consequences as being necessary, but treats them as a last resort. Rather than exercising power for its own sake, authoritative parents assert limits when their child’s safety or well-being is at stake. Moreover, they celebrate their child’s small steps toward independence rather than feeling threatened by them. They understand that their job is to guide their child safely toward an adult state of complete autonomy.
Authoritative Vs. Authoritarian Parenting
Authoritative parenting differs from authoritarian parenting in the amount of emphasis it places on control. Authoritarian parents are overly concerned with controlling their child’s behaviour… A mother who forces her child to wear only what she wants to family gatherings, for example, is being authoritarian. By making her child conform to her demands, she’s depriving him of an opportunity to safely begin exploring his independence. She’s also failing to express adequate nurturing; the child may have a real reason for rejecting her clothing choices, such as physical discomfort. When this mother refuses to listen to her child, she therefore conveys the message that she doesn’t care about his wants, feelings, and needs.
Authoritarian parents are domineering in style, placing the emphasis on obedience rather than healthy self-expression. This not only stifles a child’s independence, it often robs him of confidence, self-esteem, and intellectual curiosity as well. In some cases it can eventually lead to dramatic, damaging acts of rebellion; by the time these stifled children reach their teens, they’ve understandably had enough.
Authoritative parents, on the other hand, give their children reasonable expectations (e.g., maintaining decent grades and contributing to the household) to live up to. Outside of those expectations, they tend to allow their children to have a great deal of freedom and only really “lay down the law” when their child’s (or others’) safety or wellbeing is somehow at risk. Furthermore, when their son or daughter is genuinely struggling to live up to an expectation, they try to find out why rather than immediately administering discipline. They are primarily helpers, supporters, and guides, but they know how to set sensible limits at the same time.
Authoritative Vs. Indulgent Parenting
Indulgent parents are the polar opposite of authoritarian parents: They think that love alone can solve every problem; as such, they never exert control. They have few, if any, expectations for their children and allow them a degree of freedom that sometimes exceeds the boundaries of common sense. Unlike authoritative parents, they fail to give their children goals to aspire to or limits to adhere to. This leads to a profound absence of direction that results in children feeling lost and out of control.
Furthermore, this idealistic approach to parenting doesn’t lend itself well to the real world. Homework still needs to get done, for example, and rooms still need to be cleaned. As such, indulgent parents are forced to fill in the gaps created by their parenting style. They end up doing their child’s homework for him, cleaning his room for him, doing his chores for him, etc. Ironically, they therefore deprive their child of independence, just like authoritarian parents so often do. Because they do everything for their child, he never learns how to function well on his own.
Not only does over-indulgence erode a child’s confidence and self-esteem, the children of indulgent parents tend to be desperate for real guidance. This leaves them extremely vulnerable to peer pressure and they typically have poor leadership skills later in life.
The Secret To The Success Of Authoritative Parenting
Authoritative parenting is effective because it taps into the heart of what the parent-child relationship is really all about: Protective nurturing and the gradual transference of wisdom and experience. Authoritative parents don’t just tell their children what to do; they tell them why we should do things a certain way and then give them the skills they need to succeed. Authoritative parenting also allows children enough freedom to find their own paths toward their goals, thereby encouraging creative thought and individual expression. It leverages one of the most powerful of all human skills—communication—to its best advantage, teaching parents about their children while teaching children about the world around them.
Authoritative parenting is not, of course, an easy balance to achieve. It demands a great deal of self-control from parents and the willingness to consciously, patiently, and continuously adapt to their child’s temperament and development. That said, the benefits are well worth it, for both the parent and the child. Just as authoritative parenting empowers children to become their best selves, it also challenges parents to do the same. As an authoritative parent, you’ll grow with your child, laying the foundation for a trusting and nourishing lifelong bond.
