How To Effectively Manage Your Emotions And Become a Better Parent

When we’re observing someone else’s behaviour, it’s easy to appreciate the value of self-restraint. When we coach our children to “take a deep breath” or have a time out when they’re upset, for example, the value of emotional management becomes plain to see. Sometimes, however, we don’t recognize our own need for self-regulation strategies.

Parenting is tough and emotionally draining work, no matter how much joy our children bring us. Many parents are frequently sleep-deprived and juggling multiple commitments at work and at home. It’s therefore perfectly understandable that emotions occasionally run high. When it looks like a child is misbehaving “on purpose,” for example, or when one child is being cruel to another, it’s easy to snap and react on instinct. Unfortunately, in these frustrating moments, we often go further than hitting a pillow or yelling at our children to be quiet. Many parents end up judging and labeling their children—and these labels stick. When we apply negative descriptors to our kids (e.g., “lazy,” mean,” “difficult,” etc.), they believe us. Not only does this cause them to think less of themselves, it often removes their motivation to change their behaviour. When we don’t think we can do well at something, we cease trying to improve.

Positive parenting therefore relies heavily on the ability of parents to manage their emotions effectively. Note that “manage” does not mean “repress.” We cannot, and should not, try to avoid feeling altogether; indeed, attempting this often leads to worse explosions. Instead, we must learn how to recognize our emotions before we react, accept them, and find a healthy way to regulate them. It’s challenging, yes, but it’s essential to developing a strong bond with your children.

Remember: Kids don’t usually act out because they want to be malicious. More often than not, “bad” behaviour happens because they’re distressed (and unable to manage their own emotions well). As such, kids need our assistance when they’re being challenging—not our blame. Here’s some methods you can use to ensure your emotions don’t get the better of you:

1. Avoid judging your own feelings.

Inevitably, not judging your child must start with not judging yourself. Many parents get caught up in a maelstrom of guilt for simply thinking negative things about their children, even if they manage not to say them. This guilt often leads them to overcompensate with leniency and eventually they become resentful and short-tempered.

Rather than trying to shove negative thoughts and feelings down, sit with them for a moment, without labeling them. Ask yourself why you’re feeling so upset with your child’s behaviour: Are you embarrassed because she had a tantrum in public? Are you worried that her picking on her brother is a sign she’s going to grow up to be a less than kind individual? Whatever your concerns are, they’re probably perfectly rational at base… And by acknowledging them, you can figure out how best to address your worries. Ultimately, this is better for both you and your child. If you don’t react, you can more effectively generate solutions that leave both you and your child feeling happier and more relaxed. What’s more, you’ll escape the “remorse cycle” that so many parents fall into. (That is, threatening overly harsh punishments, only to recant them soon afterwards and spoil your child by way of apology. A process which is, of course, a surefire way to undermine your discipline.)

2. Know when to “flip” your reaction to a distressing situation.

Very young children often have no idea that they are doing anything “wrong” when, for example, they make outrageous demands. (Things like refusing to eat unless you wash their favourite red bowl that instant.) In reality, this kind of behaviour is usually driven by upset or anxiety that they cannot properly identify or express. Rather than reacting with anger and frustration, pause and “flip” your reaction to something positive (e.g., giving your child a big hug or distracting her with something funny). By doing so, you may defuse the situation. What’s more, you’ll probably soothe your own feelings as well as your child’s.

Note that doing the above doesn’t mean caving into your child’s every whim. She should still be expected to listen to you and obey the rules; you’re just creating a positive interlude for both of you.

3. Take a “time out” when you need one.

One of the most stressful things about parenting is the idea that you need to be “on” all of the time. Parents, like everyone else, need the occasional break where they don’t have to be the bigger person and remain in control… And that’s okay. If you feel like you’re on the brink of an explosion, put your child somewhere safe (e.g., put him in a playpen or ask your partner to look after him) and give yourself a time out to calm down. Not only will this help you avoid making hurtful statements, you will be modeling appropriate emotional management techniques for your child. You can rest assured that he will watch you and learn from your example.

If you’re still having a hard time thinking of an appropriate response to the situation after you have calmed down, reach out for help. Talking to your partner or a fellow parent can assist you in looking at the situation objectively and devising a solution that both nurtures your child and holds him accountable. Ultimately, you want your child to know you’re there to help him, but you also need to set firm limits and boundaries. Not only will this encourage good behaviour, your child needs these limits to feel secure.

Learning how to manage emotions is often a gradual process and you can expect to experience a lot of “trial and error.” If you stick with it, however, you’ll learn skills that will benefit you for the rest of your life. Moreover, you’ll be giving your child the tools he or she needs to grow up to be a healthy, responsible adult.