A Middle School Survival Guide For The Parents Of Gifted Children
Middle school is generally believed to be the most troubling transitional period in a child’s life. The abrupt change of moving from one school to another is followed by hormonal shifts, social upheaval, and a sudden driving need for independence that often causes stress at home. It is within this maelstrom that young people must begin to find their adult sense of identity.
Though the above process is not easy for any child, gifted children often struggle more profoundly during the middle school years than non-gifted children do. Their extreme sensitivity, tendency towards introversion, developmental differences, and keen moral compasses make the “tween” years especially challenging to navigate. Gifted child often faces difficulties in one or more of the following areas:
– Fitting in: Most middle school-aged children desperately want to fit in, and gifted children are no exception to this rule. The “differences” brought about by giftedness are therefore very intensely felt during this period in any gifted child’s life. Gifted children are often caught between their natural preferences and interests (a desire to perform well at school, engage in intellectual hobbies, and so on) and the kind of pursuits their non-gifted peers deem socially acceptable. Some gifted children choose to “mask” who they are in order to fit in, whereas others try to carve out a small but authentic niche with like-minded peers.
– Motivation and achievement: Gifted children who choose to try to hide their giftedness in order to fit in often play down their intellectual abilities and therefore intentionally underachieve at school. Other factors can also hinder a gifted child’s motivation during the middle school years: Former high achievers may begin to get bored with their classes because everything comes too easily to them, for example. These children often look to the complicated milieu around them for stimulation and become distracted. On the other side of the spectrum, gifted children with undiagnosed learning disorders often begin to struggle during middle school because the more challenging curriculum makes it impossible for them to compensate for their LDs. This can lead to disappointment, frustration, and ultimately, apathy.
– Bullying: Like all children who think or behave differently than the accepted norm, gifted children are at risk of being bullied. Furthermore, their heightened sensitivity and well-developed sense of fairness leaves them ill-equipped to deal with the kind of hostile school environments where bullying flourishes. As is the case with neurotypical children, gifted children who are bullied often suffer from anxiety, depression, sleep disturbances, and poor self-esteem.
– Establishing a sense of identity: Despite the pressure to conform that tweens experience at school, the middle school years are a time of great self-discovery. Around the age of 12, children start to develop a much stronger sense of who they are; they explore and define their preferences, interests, and opinions. Gifted children who don’t wish to be stereotyped as “nerds” or “smart kids” often have a number of questions and conflicts to resolve as they flesh out their sense of self: E.g., is it possible to be smart and a “jock” at the same time? Is it okay to want to be one of the popular kids when you’re gifted? Etc.
– Becoming more aware of the world: Because gifted children are so perceptive, they’re quick to challenge existing systems, processes, and authority figures when they detect what they think is unfairness or hypocrisy. While some degree of this is, of course, a sign of healthy independence, a certain percentage of gifted children experience painful personal awakenings and existential crises as they question the world around them. They may turn their backs on family values, religious views, cultural traditions, etc. If these children don’t manage to carve out a niche for themselves with like-minded peers, this transformation process can lead to a sense of isolation, rejection, and eventually, anxiety and depression.
How To Help Your Gifted Middle School Child Succeed
Though gifted children face extra challenges during middle school, there’s a lot parents can do to help them not only survive, but thrive:
1. Remain vigilant for signs that your child is struggling. If your child begins eating or sleeping noticeably more or less, losing interest in hobbies, or isolating himself, he could probably use some support (and possibly professional counselling). A sudden decline in academic performance should also be thoroughly investigated. (Don’t automatically assume that your child is under-performing on purpose; explore the possibility of an undiagnosed learning disorder first.)
2. Practice compassionate curiosity. Though most teens and tweens are slow to open up and seldom respond well to direct, probing questions, well-timed gentle inquiries can yield valuable information about how your child is feeling. Many parenting experts recommend that you engage with your teen or tween in this way while enjoying a favourite shared activity; this will help him feel less awkward about sharing his feelings.
3. Apply calm and consistent discipline and provide objective guidance. Parenting a gifted child through middle school can be an emotionally exhausting experience. Many parents find themselves watching a once-excellent student sink into apathy while others end up enduring extreme defiance. Some parents simply feel helpless to protect their child from the many trials of growing up gifted; they worry that they cannot “reach” their suddenly withdrawn son or daughter.
Difficult though these years may be, if you’re the parent of a gifted child, you must remember that he needs a calm environment and clear boundaries now more than ever. Avoid escalating arguments or punishments; if a situation with your child becomes overly tense, walk away and take a “time out” before you react by shouting, threatening, or otherwise becoming emotional. Furthermore, you should avoid being judgmental or controlling when interacting with your child; this will almost certainly backfire and cause him to rebel. Offer advice only once you have listened to your child and understood his needs and point of view.
4. Seek support—for both you and your child. Counselling and the support of friends and family members can be invaluable for both gifted children and their parents. Likewise, gifted children often benefit from socializing with other gifted children. Doing so helps them to feel less “different” and therefore makes it more probable that they will embrace, and not reject, who they are.
5. Push for the services your child needs. If your child’s school does not offer many options for gifted students (i.e., gifted programs), don’t simply resign yourself to what’s available. Instead, you should proactively advocate for better gifted services. If possible, talk to other parents of gifted children who attend your child’s school and come up with a list of educational supports to implement. You can then provide the school’s principal and administration with the input they need to provide better services.
Remember that while middle school presents many challenges for gifted children, with adequate support and compassionate parental guidance, gifted children can leave middle school feeling more confident and possessing a stronger sense of personal identity. What’s more, helping your child overcome the hurdles he faces during middle school will forge a deeper and more trusting bond between you both, setting the stage for an excellent relationship over the years to come.
