How to Deal with Back to School Anxiety When Your Child has Been Bullied

Bullying often leaves deep psychological scars. If your child has been verbally or physically harassed by classmates, he (or she) probably dreads returning to school. As a parent, you may have your own anxieties about sending your child back to an environment where he feels threatened.

Though bullying is a serious problem, there are ways to limit its impact. Knowing how to support your child, teaching him how to assert himself, and working closely with your child’s school can help him stay safe and reduce back-to-school anxiety. Employing the strategies outlined below before and during the school year will boost your child’s level of resilience:

Learn how to identify the signs of back-to-school anxiety.

Children aren’t always vocal about their past experiences with bullying. Your child might be ashamed to admit that he’s been picked on; he may also fear retaliation if his bullies find out that he’d “told” on them. However, if your child is experiencing anxiety about going back to school, you’ll probably notice telltale changes in his behaviour. In the weeks leading up to September, your child may seem moody, distracted, or withdrawn. He’ll probably express little (if any) excitement about going back to school; he may even state outright that he doesn’t want to return at all. Other signs of anxiety include changes in eating, sleeping, and recreation habits. You may use this free online child anxiety test to evaluate the level of your child’s anxiety.

Help your child open up.

Parents should be careful in how they approach the topic of peer harassment: Don’t ask about bullying directly; instead, either let your child volunteer the information or try to broach the topic gently. Asking your child general questions (e.g., “How do you feel about returning to school?”) will be much less intimidating for him than being put on the spot.

To encourage your child to talk to you, spend quality “one on one” time with him doing things he enjoys. This will put him in a more relaxed state of mind and build his sense of trust, making it easier for him to confide in you. You should also periodically remind your child that you’re always there if he needs someone to talk to.

If your child remains hesitant to open up, consider connecting him with a therapist or school counsellor. Your child may find it easier to talk to someone who isn’t directly involved in the situation.

Let your child know he’s not alone in his experiences.

The media typically portrays bullying as something that happens to an unlucky minority of children. Victims are also frequently depicted as being somehow less socially acceptable than their peers. This image of bullying can cause bullied kids to feel like there’s something inherently wrong with them.

Your child needs to know this isn’t actually the case: Bullying affects nearly half of all children, not a select few. According to the CBC, 47% of Canadian parents report that their child has been bullied at least once in the past. Knowing that bullying is a common experience will help your child overcome the stigma associated with being a victim. He may also become more willing to reach out to classmates who have also been bullied, thereby forming a peer support system.

Help your child practice being assertive.

Learning how to be assertive (without being aggressive) can help your child stand up to bullies. Healthy assertiveness has also been associated with a reduction in anxiety, because assertive kids feel more in control of their lives.

Before your child returns to school, help him develop a confident stance. Teach him to stand and walk with his head up and his shoulders back and show him how to maintain appropriate eye contact when speaking. These simple changes in body language can make your child look like less of an “easy target” for bullies. (Children who appear anxious are often singled out for harassment.)

If your child is willing to rehearse different scenarios with you, you can help him practice setting verbal boundaries, too. Try role playing exercises where you pretend to be the bully and your child practices using different communication techniques to defuse the situation. Your child can also practice role playing with a supportive peer if you feel that would be easier for him.

Anti-bullying exercises should teach your child how to say “no” calmly and firmly and give him a list of phrases he can use during difficult situations. These phrases should be clear without being confrontational, e.g., “Please stop doing that,” or, “Whatever, I’m leaving now.” You can also help your child practice approaching an adult for assistance. (This step is important, because not all bullies will back off when your child stands up to them).

Model confident behaviour.

Though it’s normal to feel concerned about bullying, it’s important to process and overcome your fears. The more anxious you seem, the more anxious your child will become about returning to school. Instead of focusing on your worries, use empathy to demonstrate that you take your child’s plight seriously: Listen to your child, don’t dismiss his experiences, and confidently affirm that you’ll help him manage the situation. Conveying an image of compassionate strength will reassure him that it’s possible to overcome the challenges at hand.

Parents should also take care to avoid letting discussions about school become overly negative. Once you’ve addressed the issue of bullying, take some time to bring up positive things about returning to school, too. You might remind your child of subjects he enjoys, friends he’ll see again, or the opportunity to participate in his favourite extracurricular activities. These positive incentives will encourage your child not to let bullying define his school experience.

Work closely with your child’s school to prevent and control bullying.

Parents should never confront bullies directly (or confront their families) as this can increase tension and hostility between all of the parties involved. Instead, before the school year begins, work proactively with your child’s new teacher and the school administration to prevent bullying. First, make sure your child’s school has a zero tolerance policy for bullying, wherein bullies are punished with immediate detention or suspension. Then, arrange a meeting with your child’s teacher. Discuss your child’s past experiences and create a plan that will help your child’s teacher identify episodes of bullying and intervene effectively. Ideally, this plan should be relayed to your child’s principal as well. Once your child knows that the adults at his school are completely behind him, he’ll probably feel more confident about returning to school.