What Not To Do When Your ADHD Child Is Angry
Tantrums and childhood go hand in hand, much to the chagrin of parents. However, while most children quickly outgrow the tendency to have out-of-control meltdowns, kids with ADHD often struggle to overcome this trait. They have meltdowns more frequently and more severely than neurotypical children and these episodes may persist until late childhood. This is because the brains of children with ADHD struggle to regulate emotion. It takes less to trigger their anger, and once a tantrum has started, it’s harder for them to regain control.
Though many parents try to equip their ADHD child with coping skills (deep breathing exercises, counting to ten, and so on), they often fail to sufficiently analyze how they are handling their child’s anger. Approaching a child who is having a meltdown incorrectly can escalate, rather than defuse, the situation—and make it even harder for a child with ADHD to calm down. Ergo, if you’re the parent of a child with ADHD, you should avoid making the following mistakes when dealing with your child’s outbursts:
1. Losing your cool
Children with ADHD become overwhelmed by stimuli more easily than other children. As such, if you lose your cool (even in minor ways like raising your voice or snapping at your child), he will only become more upset. It’s therefore important to practice the same anger management techniques you preach to your child: Take a deep breath, count to ten, then do your best to demonstrate patience and compassion. Remember that children learn how they should behave primarily through observing their parents, so modeling appropriate anger management methods will help your child behave better, too.
2. Being reactive, rather than proactive, about discipline
You will be far more likely to respond to meltdowns unhelpfully if you don’t have a plan for dealing with them in place. When your child is calm, take him aside and collaborate on a “behaviour plan” that details how he should behave when he feels like he’s about to lose his temper. This plan should include incentives that reward him when he’s able to keep his cool and consequences for when he acts out in ways that are hurtful or destructive. As a parent, it’s your job to administer those rewards and consequences calmly and consistently. Resist the temptation to cave in and spoil your child when he’s “being good” and don’t escalate consequences unrealistically when he’s “being bad.” Give your child clear, predictable boundaries to operate within.
Similarly, rather than snapping at your child in a critical or demanding way, try to encourage him to stick to the plan you’ve both made. Instead of saying something like, “Ethan, I demand you stop this silliness right now!” Try, “I know you’re very upset right now, but do you remember our plan for how to calm down? I think it will help you, and I know you can do it.” Just don’t expect immediate results: You may need to reiterate this message a few times before the instinct-driven part of your child’s brain settles down enough to let him think clearly.
3. Not listening to your child
Your child’s feelings are no less valid than any other person’s, even if he sometimes acts “out of control.” Don’t get so busy trying to control your child’s outbursts that you forget this fact and end up silencing your child. After all, his thoughts, feelings, and observations can provide valuable insight into what drives his anger—and who he is as a person. When you see your child starting to lose his temper, ask him why he’s upset, and (if he’s calm enough) ask him to help you brainstorm possible solutions to what’s making him angry.
It’s important to keep in mind that children can lose their cool for all kinds of different reasons. Your child may, for example, actually be anxious about something. Because his brain doesn’t regulate emotions and impulses well, this anxiety triggers his “fight or flight” reflex, resulting in aggression. If you practice compassionate curiosity in this situation, you will probably uncover what’s making your child anxious. Once you have this information, you can both resolve the immediate problem and potentially prevent future meltdowns in similar situations.
Get to know your child and always try to find common ground and compromise when you’re having a problem. Not only will your home become a calmer place as a result, your child will know you’re his ally and there to help him combat his anger.
4. Giving up too quickly
When you’re parenting a child with any kind of special needs, creating meaningful behavioural change takes time… A lot of time. It’s absolutely essential that you don’t give in to frustration and assume your child can’t get a grip on his problematic actions and reactions. If your child senses that you have given up on him, he’s likely to give up too—and then change will never happen.
If you feel like you’re in danger of “breaking down” due to the difficulty inherent in parenting a high-needs child, remember that you don’t have to do it alone. Support is available, in the form of mental health professionals, parent support groups, and friends and family members. Reach out for help and give yourself breaks when you need them; sometimes a bit of time away from your child can help you get the perspective you need to see the progress he’s made.
Even if your child doesn’t make significant progress, you shouldn’t lose hope. He may have been misdiagnosed or have more than one disorder; as such, you should talk to his physician about getting a referral to a psychologist if you have lingering concerns. He or she will be able to perform a more comprehensive evaluation on your child and create an individual treatment plan that meets his needs. Once your child has the right help in place, he’ll probably begin to make great strides toward healing.
