How To Help Your Child Manage Anger

Though most parents understand that getting angry from time to time is simply a part of life, the unpredictability and intensity of a child’s anger can still be profoundly unsettling. As such, many parents react strongly to their child’s outbursts, either doing everything they can to pacify the child or punishing him severely in order to put a stop to his anger.

In reality, neither of the above approaches are ideal; there is, after all, no way to prevent your child from becoming angry and he will continue to experience situations that trigger anger throughout his life. All parents can do is give their child the tools he needs to process his anger effectively, to understand it and deal with it in a healthy way rather than allowing it to drive destructive behaviours.

Understanding The Roots Of Your Child’s Anger

Children who become intensely angry about apparently small annoyances—something not being in the right place, a sibling having borrowed a toy, a favourite food not being available, and so on—are often reacting to a mental script which tells them that the offending party meant to hurt them (for instance, that the sibling who borrowed their toy or the parent who failed to replace the peanut butter was being intentionally inconsiderate). They take these events personally and therefore react in a way that is extremely defensive.

While a certain amount of this is normal—children are not naturally the most objective thinkers, after all—some children struggle with conditions like Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) or Intermittent Explosive Disorder (IED) which make them especially and repeatedly prone to seeing even the most normal situations as tantamount to attack. A child with ODD, for example, might see something as harmless as a parent asking him to put away his backpack or remove his plate from the table after eating as an attempt to “control” him. A child with IED who experiences episodes of inexplicable intense rage might look for a reason for his feelings in his environment (wishing to find an explanation for them), leading him to lash out over apparently “nothing,” yelling, screaming, or throwing things over some minor perceived offence. If you observe patterns of repeated, irrational, and extreme anger in your child (such as so called “anger overload”), it is therefore important to consult with a mental health professional; he or she will be able to provide a treatment plan and coping strategies.

Dealing With Your Child’s Anger

Whether your child’s anger is a result of disordered thinking or he simply has “normal” outbursts from time to time, there’s a lot you can do to help him manage his anger. If you are a parent who is dealing with an angry child, you should:

– Resist the temptation to try to control your child’s emotions. It’s unrealistic to expect anyone, young or old, to be able to magically control what they are feeling. All you can ask your child to do is moderate his behaviour. As such, you should validate your child’s anger, try to understand it, and then work with him to find healthy ways to express it. Emphasize that it is his behaviour, not his feelings or who he is as a person, that needs to be corrected.

– Understand your own emotional triggers. It’s important to look at the kind of emotional reactions your child’s anger triggers in you; do you tend to get angry in return, or do you become anxious? Why do you react in the way you do?

– Usually, the answer will lie in past experiences; if you had a parent with anger issues, for example, seeing anyone become angry may instantly trigger you to play “peacemaker” even if it means caving into your child’s demands (and thus teaching him that anger is an effective tool to get what he wants). It’s essential to remain aware of these ingrained patterns so that when you feel yourself beginning to react to them, you can step away from the situation, take a deep breath, and analyze it more objectively. If you find yourself struggling to overcome your triggers, seek outside support; counselling can be very helpful in getting to the root of ingrained behaviours and learning how to work around them.

– Don’t escalate the situation. If your child is truly being unreasonable, it’s often best to give him a “time out” and allow him to cool down before you discuss the issues at hand. Trying to broach difficult topics or metre out consequences when you and your child are both upset is likely to lead to an explosive argument, so the best approach is often to send your child to his room while you calmly assess the appropriate way to hold him accountable for his behaviour.

– Teach your child how to recognize his own anger. Your child will have a better chance of controlling his behaviour if he knows the “warning signs” that usually precipitate an outburst, e.g. a clenched stomach and/or teeth, a feeling of tension, a sensation of heat throughout the body, flushed cheeks, etc.

– Troubleshoot with your child. Children seldom enjoy having angry outbursts; they often feel remorseful, ashamed, and out of control after losing their temper. If your child expresses regret after losing his temper, approach him with compassion and try to use the experience as a learning exercise: Ask him to think back to what triggered his rage and to think about why he said the things he said. You should also have him list the feelings (other than anger) he was experiencing during the outburst, such as frustration, embarrassment, or fear. Doing so can reveal important clues about the underlying issues driving his anger; a low self-esteem, for example, may be making him especially sensitive to feelings of criticism and humiliation.

– Look for contributing factors. A child’s physical state can easily affect his mood, so it’s a good idea to keep a calendar of your child’s outbursts and look for possible physical triggers—does he seem more likely to melt down when he hasn’t eaten or slept enough? If puberty seems to have driven a steep escalation in your child’s level of anger, you should visit his doctor to rule out more serious conditions like depression and endocrine system problems.

As a final note, parents should be aware that even if their child is not ready to speak to a mental health professional, there are many counselling services available to help the parents of children with anger issues. By looking after their own emotional needs, parents can remain calm, grounded, and better able to teach their angry child the coping skills he needs.