How To Avoid The Three Most Harmful Parenting Traps
No matter how well you think you’ve prepared yourself for parenting, moments will arise that stress you to your breaking point. You will inevitably react unfavourably at times and make mistakes. The good news is that this is usually nothing an apology, explanation, and change of course can’t fix. The bad news is that if these short-sighted responses begin to form a pattern, you could very easily fall into a damaging parenting “trap.” And, because habits become harder and harder to break the more we repeat them, these traps can prove very difficult to get out of. The solution? Recognize them and correct them early on. The following list of common parenting traps will help you to identify harmful patterns before they have a chance to become fully developed:
1. Teaching your child – or yourself – that escalation produces desirable results.
A child who learns that begging, whining, or throwing tantrums eventually gets him what he wants is a child who will behave badly repeatedly in order to get his own way. Most parents fall into the habit of caving to these demands because, at first, doing so feels like taking the path of least resistance. Think, for example, of how many parents will give in and buy a candy bar for their screaming child because it feels easier than enduring a lengthy public spectacle. Unfortunately, because the human mind instinctively repeats behaviour that leads to rewards, the next time your child wants something—big or small—he will use the same tactic. What’s worse, if at first he doesn’t succeed, he’s likely to up the ante and whine more or throw a bigger tantrum (or multiple tantrums) until he finally wears you down. It’s therefore better to stop this cycle before it can properly begin: Teach your child that “no” means “no,” period. Rather than giving in to your child’s bad behaviour, take a “time out” to calm down, think of an appropriate punishment, and then stick with it.
Understand that taking the aforementioned time out is important—otherwise, you may fall into an escalation trap yourself. Parents who learn that shouting is the only way to make their children listen to them seldom have a happy family life, for two reasons: One, feeling and displaying anger regularly is distressing. Two, children who get used to a parent yelling every time things are “serious” assume that they don’t have to obey commands spoken in a normal, calm voice. The end result of this is a dynamic wherein the parent has to yell just to be truly heard.
Instead of getting into a habit of raising your voice, when your child doesn’t listen to your first request, calmly tell him what the consequences will be if he doesn’t obey your second request. If he still doesn’t listen, follow through with the punishment. If he does listen, reward him with verbal recognition and praise.
2. Ignoring problematic behaviours in the hope that they will pass.
Small children are baffling creatures. Parents are often at a loss to explain why their toddler has, for example, begun randomly hitting other children on the playground. When the child fails to stop the troubling action after several reprimands, many parents shrug in bewilderment and assume their child is just going through a “phase.” He will, they hope, simply grow out of it. Not wanting to fuel the behaviour with any form of attention, they usually begin to ignore it.
While it’s true that yelling and other forms of “negative attention” are seldom helpful in these instances, giving up is just as ineffective. At best, your child will engage in these problematic behaviours for longer than he would have with proper discipline. At worst, they will form entrenched habits that become much, much harder to control as he gets older. The correct approach is to remain calm but set firm boundaries for your small child. If your child is hitting, for instance, get up and physically restrain him. If this does not curtail the behaviour, remove him from the playground and punish him at home. Do this as many times as it takes to make him stop hitting other children.
3. Taking your child’s behaviour personally.
As frustrating as children can be, they seldom behave in the ways they do for the express purpose of annoying or upsetting their parents. In fact, most children deeply dislike seeing their parents unhappy. Although it may be hard to believe at times, your child’s actions probably result from motivations that have little or nothing to do with you.
When your child behaves badly, she’s usually either testing boundaries (in order to learn about the world around her) or obeying her inherently selfish nature. Sometimes your child might be trying, in her own underdeveloped way, to address an emotional need. A child who is anxious about staying at a relative’s over the weekend, for example, may refuse to put on her shoes and throw a tantrum when you insist. While it might feel like she is trying to make you late “on purpose” and ruin your plans, in reality she is simply reacting to a feeling she isn’t able to vocalize properly.
Why is it so important to make this distinction about the intentions of a child who is behaving badly? Because the more “personal” you believe your child’s behaviour to be, the more likely you are to respond emotionally. If, on the other hand, you see your child’s actions as essentially separate from you, you will be better able to separate yourself from your reactions. Remember, while emotions have an important role to play in parent-child bonding, they have no place in your disciplinary strategy: Punishments should be logical and administered calmly and consistently. Likewise, you’ll need to be convincingly calm in order to reward a child who has suddenly started behaving properly with authentic praise.
Contrary to popular belief, children are not inherently manipulative, cruel, or difficult—just short-sighted, self-focused, and sometimes desperate. As a parent, it’s your job to model the opposite set of behaviours: Rationality, empathy, and self-control. By returning to these core principles on a regular basis, you can prevent harmful patterns from forming and successfully avoid common parenting traps.
