Understanding Anger In Children: How Much Is Too Much?

Tantrums are an inevitable part of childhood. Because children lack the perspective that comes with many years of experience, even small misfortunes can seem calamitous to them. Moreover, young children (those under 7-8 years old) have yet to develop the impulse control and social filters needed to consistently avoid overt, inappropriate displays of anger.

While most children learn to limit their outbursts as they get older, some children struggle profoundly with controlling their anger. When this occurs, there is usually an underlying reason for the atypical behaviour.

When To Worry About Your Child’s Anger

For parents, assessing when displays of temper have crossed the line into being “abnormal” (and therefore problematic) is often challenging. After all, every child is unique, and there are no exact parameters for how much anger is too much. However, while only a mental health professional can verify whether or not your child’s anger is symptomatic of another condition, there are a number of signs of “atypical anger” that you should be aware of:

• Your child is older than eight yet continues to have frequent, severe temper tantrums. These tantrums may even occur in public places.
• Your child’s tantrums are so extreme that he endangers himself or others.
• Your child’s teachers report that he is often out of control at school. They feel that his displays of anger are not normal for his age group.
• Your child has a hard time forming and maintaining friendships owing to his difficult behavior.
• Your child’s tantrums are seriously disrupting your life at home.
• Your child knows that his behaviour is not normal for a child his age and this makes him feel bad about himself. (Note that this often leads to poor self-esteem, which can itself fuel further acting out.)

What Causes Inappropriate Anger In Children?

Often a child’s tendency to become hostile quickly is situational: If a child has endured trauma, for example, or is going through a challenging event (such as his parents divorcing), he may react to his fear and distress by lashing out at others. If your child has been through, or is going through, a difficult time, it’s important to ensure that he receives counseling so that he can healthily process his feelings.

Sometimes, however, there is no evident reason for a child’s chronic aggression. In these cases, the child’s atypical anger may have a biological cause, such as:

• ADHD: Over half of all children with ADHD exhibit defiant behaviours and are prone to angry outbursts. This heightened aggression has numerous causes, including impulsiveness, difficulty switching from one task to another, and problems completing tasks (which can lead to frustration and low self-esteem). Parents should be aware that in some children, these behavioural symptoms are so severe that (ironically) the child’s ADHD ends up being overlooked because parents, teachers, counselors, etc. are so focused on what they see as the child’s primary issue: Aggression. If you have an aggressive child who is also hyperactive and impulsive, it’s worthwhile to investigate the possibility that ADHD is driving his behaviour.

• Anxiety: Our “fight or flight” reflex is triggered by one thing: Fear. It therefore stands to reason that some children who appear chronically angry or defiant actually have severe anxiety — anxiety that they’re desperately trying to mask with aggression. These children often lash out when they feel pressured, stressed, or criticized.

• An undiagnosed learning disorder: While many common learning disorders (such as dyslexia) do not directly influence levels of aggression, children with undiagnosed learning disorders often feel a great deal of frustration and shame over their struggles. This can lead to defiant behaviour (particularly at school) and angry outbursts.

• Autism: Having occasional “meltdowns” is a fact of life for many children on the Autism spectrum. Sudden changes in routine, for example, can make Autistic children feel extremely nervous and upset, resulting in a temper tantrum. Additionally, many children on the Autism spectrum have sensory processing issues that leave them prone to feeling overwhelmed by stimuli. Even minor irritations like bright lights, “itchy” clothing, and noisy environments can make Autistic children very anxious or uncomfortable. If the offending stimuli are not removed, the child will eventually have a meltdown.

How To Help Your Child Manage His Anger

Though the parents of chronically angry children often feel helpless to stem the tide of outbursts, in reality, nothing could be further from the truth. Regardless of what is causing your child to behave aggressively, there are a number of techniques you can use to help him manage his anger:

• Identify your child’s triggers and come up with a plan. Angry outbursts are never random, though they can certainly look that way. In reality, your child’s aggression is almost certainly triggered by something, and you can discover what his triggers are if you look for patterns associated with his behaviour. Does your child act out more often at school or when he has to do homework, for example? If so, a learning disorder may be to blame.

Once you know what’s triggering your child’s tantrums, you can come up with a plan to manage the situation: If your child feels threatened or overwhelmed at school, talk to his teacher about arranging time outs when needed. If your child has sensory processing issues, come up with a plan to limit triggering stimuli… And so on. You should also teach your child general self-soothing techniques like deep breathing, closing his eyes and counting, and retreating to the nearest available quiet, private space to decompress.

• Practice consistent parenting. All children need firm boundaries and clear expectations, but children with chronic aggression have an especially strong need for calm, consistent guidance and discipline. It’s not that punishment keeps these children “in line”; instead, sensible boundaries give the world clear, predictable parameters that help them feel safe.

If you’re having difficulty administering discipline effectively, consider working with a mental health professional. He or she may connect you with programs, like Parent-Child Interaction Therapy and Parent Management Training, that can help you understand how to positively reinforce good behaviour.

• Learn to wait it out. Though it’s normal to wish you could reason with your child in order to help him calm down mid-meltdown, this usually is not possible—your child’s brain is stuck in “fight or flight” mode and therefore will not respond to logic. Trying to talk to your child while he’s having a tantrum will only escalate the situation. Instead, calmly and quietly wait for the storm to pass, then try speaking to your child about the incident.

Though learning to manage angry outbursts is a lifelong process, if you equip your child with the tools he needs to succeed early on in life, his odds of getting a grip on his temper increase substantially. Just remember that you shouldn’t try to “change” your child: Help him cultivate appropriate behaviour, yes, but also convey the message that you accept and cherish him for who he is. This will keep his self-esteem healthy and his outlook positive regardless of where he is in his development.